119 Shidduchs ...How did that Happen?
Over 14 years ago there a group of women who gathered together to work on shidduchim for their children. We thought we would each speak about our children and trade resumes. That never happened. Someone took a sefer off the shelf, we started reading the Rebbes' letters on shidduchim. After each letter, there was a discussion.The letters were very soft spoken. None of them seemed to demand big actions but we found small actions were needed. We created an experimental "to do list". We started "doing"and we started to see engagements.
We went though all the Chabad books in English. We got teachers to translate other seferim. We went though all the frum books. Each one added to our body of information. From there we started pooling our money and flying in Teachers, advisors. When our community was bringing in a speaker for the community, we would get a private audience with the Rabbi/Rebbitson. Each Teacher gave over excellent information but some of the teachers changed our lives.
In the first few years we were enjoying a new engagement every other month. We continued to learn, we continued to experiment.
Some of the first experiments were: taking on something "ruchnius".The single, the mother and the father took something on to build a spiritual vessel. After each engagement the group would meet. The Mother of the engaged person would tell her story. Who made the suggestion, who was the shadchan, where will the wedding be, where are they going to live, how many dates did they go on, was there anything we could learn from this shidduch, and which mitzvoth did you , your husband and your child take on.
As a group we had a list of all our childrens' full hebrew names for saying by Friday night by candle lighting.
We opened an email account to communicate with each other, when and where were the meetings, who is helping with the L'chaim, the bridal shower, the Wedding, and the Sheva Brochos. We set privacy boundaries. If someone from the group made a suggestion for your child, she wasn't allowed to speak about it to anyone and she wasn't allow to ask you"what happened" or "how is it going".
Engagements were happening more and more. People from other cities were reaching out to us to find out what we were doing. Some of those people sent us their childrens' resumes.
We got a conference calling number, every so often we had a conference call with several other cities. Mothers would get on the call and talk about their child, if anyone had an idea for her, she contact that person privately with the information.
As many of our children were now married and living in other cities, we would make a meeting in every city we visited. We would give over what we did, what happened and then help that city create a similar group in their city. Over a short amount of time we had 22 sister cities. Some cities complied better than others. The cities who used our rules, seem to last longer as a group and make more shidduchim.
Our emailing changed. We now had 100 mothers on our group email. Those mothers from other cities were now getting our"no name" profiles.
Being in a group was very empowering feeling. Other woman were davening for my children, making suggestions, inspiring me to make a bigger vessel, access to resumes of other singles from other cities were coming in. I saw the possibilities. The "to do list" was working for all our children, whether they were chasidishe, modern, learning, working, tall, short, fat, thin, average, medical issues, no medical issues, intact families, divorced families, previously married, never married, FFB, BT ,Ger. etc.The system was working.
But we still had more children to marry. We needed more. So, we continued to look for more books, secular Psychology books and other dating books.
We continued to search for more teachers.
In 2010, one of the Chabad Schools flew a in speaker. It was Chai Elul. We got to have a private meeting with her. She told a story about a BT girl who was dating a FFB boy from Williamsburg. They wanted to become engaged. The boy went to his parents, they all agreed the Zaide would decide.
The girl came to the speaker home and they had a 2 person Fabrengen, they spoke words of Torah, sang niggunim and danced.
Sometime during this Fabrengen the phone rang and the Zeide decided the couple should marry.
12 days later, It is Rosh Hashana, davening ended, people wishing each other a good year. The ladies from group started talking about having some short meeting on Rosh Hashana. But how? We carved out a small amount time after tashlich and Mincha.
6 women came. One women spoke a few words of torah, another women led us in seder niggunim and then we decided to mimmick our speaker from 12 days earlier. We formed a circle(we call this a Bracha Circle), we sang a nigun. But when the song was done something else happened.
Because we were already working as group for a few years, we already felt committed to each others children. We spontaneously starting giving each other brochos. Brochos for clarity, for beautiful shidduchim, for easy and fast shidduchim etc. About 6 weeks later, 3 new engagements happened in the group.
After the Mothers of the engaged children returned from The L'chaims/Vort we had a meeting. The mothers told their stories about the recent engagements. We made a "seudah of thanks"and did a "Bracha Circle" with all who attended.
If you go back to Col.Live Mazal Tovs from the fall of 2010 and continue looking at the Mazal Tovs though spring of 2011. You will find more than 20 Chicago Girls engaged.
The "Bracha Circle" boosted our success. There was something to it. One of our local Chabad Houses brought in a speaker to talk to the entire community at 8pm that night. We had a private meeting with him at 6.
Instead of giving us advise, he asked us "what we were doing". We made a long story short and told him. Then he told us why it was working.
He said, when jews connect together in a circle, they are one entity.
When they sing together they have one voice. The circle of women is already an act of achtus, and ahavos yisroel. The "oneness" is ehad (one) with the gematria of 13. The 13 connects to the 13 attributes of H-shem mercy.
Another Rabbi showed us where in the Gemorah, it says not to underestimate the bracha from another yid.
We continued meet as group, networking, and always ending with a brachos circle. By the fall of 2011, we had enjoyed 119 engagements of Chicago people.
I left the group at that time to work on older shidduchim. My husband who, supported the work of this mothers group was now helping me with the research for this new group. He continues to speak to the men, while I speak to the women. He also helps with stories that help explain ideas. I started working directly with the singles. Mostly singles from 30 to 50 years of age, most of whom were never married yet. These older singles were from other parts of the community, modern orthodox, mainstream orthodox, Yeshivish, Sephardic etc.
So, we formed a group. I gave my most empowering information.
*The Power of a Group
*The Power of Forgiveness
*The Power of Words
*The Power of Self Advertising
*The Power of a Kallah Fund
*The Power of Gratitude
* 2 types of Promises to H-shem
*Marry Someone who is Capable of Loving You
*The"keli" vessel for Brachos
* The Bracha Circle
But this population was different. Beautiful people inside and out. This made "no sense'' that these people weren't married.
Some of these people shared their dating history with me. They shared their dating as it was happening. We started with the books again. These books were geared to older singles.
* Some singles had developed "the brick wall of emotional protection of rejection and disappointment"
* Some singles had a difficult time being a 'receiver'
* Some had a fear of Divorce, commitment
* Some has an "entitlement" issue
*Some had only a few shadchanim that knew them.
* Some were looking for perfection, thinking this would prevent divorce.
*Some were looking for the same person they were looking for 20
years ago
* Some didn't know how to date effectively. for example, giving feedback
* Some had a fear of financial struggle
* Some had a fear of "not having their own space"
* Some felt they wouldn't be good at running a home
* Some had a fear of Intimacy
* Some had a fear of marrying the wrong person
and there is more...........
To address some of these issues we studied and we met with Therapists of all kinds, we did improv classes, vision boarding and read together numerous books.
* Shalom Bayis
* The mind of a Man....most popular discussion
* The mind of a Woman
* What makes a good marriage
* The differences between what a man looks for in dating and what a women is looking for
* The topic of "The Shidduch Crisis" came up and we found clues to the truth from letters of the previous Rebbe.
* They made a list of everything from their parents, grandparents, friends marriage that they want to take with into their marriage
*They made a second list of everything they don't want to take into their marriage from their parents, grandparents, friends etc
* They made a plan of how to circumvent the "don't want" list
* We spoke about picking a role model of a personality they feel they could live with.
* Having a Shidduch Coach, or Mentor on your team
Some of people invested themselves into this information, and other didn't. As some of the people married, some more started investing into the work. Some show up but don't put much into action yet.This is an continuous work.
Right now, we have been hosting men for Friday night dinner. My husband speaks. Shabbos day later in the afternoon we host women for an open discussion on shidduchim.
This blog was opened to get a wider range of people to discuss shidduchim. Hopefully to teach each other. To share.
We went though all the Chabad books in English. We got teachers to translate other seferim. We went though all the frum books. Each one added to our body of information. From there we started pooling our money and flying in Teachers, advisors. When our community was bringing in a speaker for the community, we would get a private audience with the Rabbi/Rebbitson. Each Teacher gave over excellent information but some of the teachers changed our lives.
In the first few years we were enjoying a new engagement every other month. We continued to learn, we continued to experiment.
Some of the first experiments were: taking on something "ruchnius".The single, the mother and the father took something on to build a spiritual vessel. After each engagement the group would meet. The Mother of the engaged person would tell her story. Who made the suggestion, who was the shadchan, where will the wedding be, where are they going to live, how many dates did they go on, was there anything we could learn from this shidduch, and which mitzvoth did you , your husband and your child take on.
As a group we had a list of all our childrens' full hebrew names for saying by Friday night by candle lighting.
We opened an email account to communicate with each other, when and where were the meetings, who is helping with the L'chaim, the bridal shower, the Wedding, and the Sheva Brochos. We set privacy boundaries. If someone from the group made a suggestion for your child, she wasn't allowed to speak about it to anyone and she wasn't allow to ask you"what happened" or "how is it going".
Engagements were happening more and more. People from other cities were reaching out to us to find out what we were doing. Some of those people sent us their childrens' resumes.
We got a conference calling number, every so often we had a conference call with several other cities. Mothers would get on the call and talk about their child, if anyone had an idea for her, she contact that person privately with the information.
As many of our children were now married and living in other cities, we would make a meeting in every city we visited. We would give over what we did, what happened and then help that city create a similar group in their city. Over a short amount of time we had 22 sister cities. Some cities complied better than others. The cities who used our rules, seem to last longer as a group and make more shidduchim.
Our emailing changed. We now had 100 mothers on our group email. Those mothers from other cities were now getting our"no name" profiles.
Being in a group was very empowering feeling. Other woman were davening for my children, making suggestions, inspiring me to make a bigger vessel, access to resumes of other singles from other cities were coming in. I saw the possibilities. The "to do list" was working for all our children, whether they were chasidishe, modern, learning, working, tall, short, fat, thin, average, medical issues, no medical issues, intact families, divorced families, previously married, never married, FFB, BT ,Ger. etc.The system was working.
But we still had more children to marry. We needed more. So, we continued to look for more books, secular Psychology books and other dating books.
We continued to search for more teachers.
In 2010, one of the Chabad Schools flew a in speaker. It was Chai Elul. We got to have a private meeting with her. She told a story about a BT girl who was dating a FFB boy from Williamsburg. They wanted to become engaged. The boy went to his parents, they all agreed the Zaide would decide.
The girl came to the speaker home and they had a 2 person Fabrengen, they spoke words of Torah, sang niggunim and danced.
Sometime during this Fabrengen the phone rang and the Zeide decided the couple should marry.
12 days later, It is Rosh Hashana, davening ended, people wishing each other a good year. The ladies from group started talking about having some short meeting on Rosh Hashana. But how? We carved out a small amount time after tashlich and Mincha.
6 women came. One women spoke a few words of torah, another women led us in seder niggunim and then we decided to mimmick our speaker from 12 days earlier. We formed a circle(we call this a Bracha Circle), we sang a nigun. But when the song was done something else happened.
Because we were already working as group for a few years, we already felt committed to each others children. We spontaneously starting giving each other brochos. Brochos for clarity, for beautiful shidduchim, for easy and fast shidduchim etc. About 6 weeks later, 3 new engagements happened in the group.
After the Mothers of the engaged children returned from The L'chaims/Vort we had a meeting. The mothers told their stories about the recent engagements. We made a "seudah of thanks"and did a "Bracha Circle" with all who attended.
If you go back to Col.Live Mazal Tovs from the fall of 2010 and continue looking at the Mazal Tovs though spring of 2011. You will find more than 20 Chicago Girls engaged.
The "Bracha Circle" boosted our success. There was something to it. One of our local Chabad Houses brought in a speaker to talk to the entire community at 8pm that night. We had a private meeting with him at 6.
Instead of giving us advise, he asked us "what we were doing". We made a long story short and told him. Then he told us why it was working.
He said, when jews connect together in a circle, they are one entity.
When they sing together they have one voice. The circle of women is already an act of achtus, and ahavos yisroel. The "oneness" is ehad (one) with the gematria of 13. The 13 connects to the 13 attributes of H-shem mercy.
Another Rabbi showed us where in the Gemorah, it says not to underestimate the bracha from another yid.
We continued meet as group, networking, and always ending with a brachos circle. By the fall of 2011, we had enjoyed 119 engagements of Chicago people.
I left the group at that time to work on older shidduchim. My husband who, supported the work of this mothers group was now helping me with the research for this new group. He continues to speak to the men, while I speak to the women. He also helps with stories that help explain ideas. I started working directly with the singles. Mostly singles from 30 to 50 years of age, most of whom were never married yet. These older singles were from other parts of the community, modern orthodox, mainstream orthodox, Yeshivish, Sephardic etc.
So, we formed a group. I gave my most empowering information.
*The Power of a Group
*The Power of Forgiveness
*The Power of Words
*The Power of Self Advertising
*The Power of a Kallah Fund
*The Power of Gratitude
* 2 types of Promises to H-shem
*Marry Someone who is Capable of Loving You
*The"keli" vessel for Brachos
* The Bracha Circle
But this population was different. Beautiful people inside and out. This made "no sense'' that these people weren't married.
Some of these people shared their dating history with me. They shared their dating as it was happening. We started with the books again. These books were geared to older singles.
* Some singles had developed "the brick wall of emotional protection of rejection and disappointment"
* Some singles had a difficult time being a 'receiver'
* Some had a fear of Divorce, commitment
* Some has an "entitlement" issue
*Some had only a few shadchanim that knew them.
* Some were looking for perfection, thinking this would prevent divorce.
*Some were looking for the same person they were looking for 20
years ago
* Some didn't know how to date effectively. for example, giving feedback
* Some had a fear of financial struggle
* Some had a fear of "not having their own space"
* Some felt they wouldn't be good at running a home
* Some had a fear of Intimacy
* Some had a fear of marrying the wrong person
and there is more...........
To address some of these issues we studied and we met with Therapists of all kinds, we did improv classes, vision boarding and read together numerous books.
* Shalom Bayis
* The mind of a Man....most popular discussion
* The mind of a Woman
* What makes a good marriage
* The differences between what a man looks for in dating and what a women is looking for
* The topic of "The Shidduch Crisis" came up and we found clues to the truth from letters of the previous Rebbe.
* They made a list of everything from their parents, grandparents, friends marriage that they want to take with into their marriage
*They made a second list of everything they don't want to take into their marriage from their parents, grandparents, friends etc
* They made a plan of how to circumvent the "don't want" list
* We spoke about picking a role model of a personality they feel they could live with.
* Having a Shidduch Coach, or Mentor on your team
Some of people invested themselves into this information, and other didn't. As some of the people married, some more started investing into the work. Some show up but don't put much into action yet.This is an continuous work.
Right now, we have been hosting men for Friday night dinner. My husband speaks. Shabbos day later in the afternoon we host women for an open discussion on shidduchim.
This blog was opened to get a wider range of people to discuss shidduchim. Hopefully to teach each other. To share.
Thank you. I never knew the beautiful history of this group although I have benefited from it in the past few years. You have inspired me to add a more spiritual component to looking for my children's shidduchim. Yashar Koach!
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