Letter to a single about fear of Divorce

 My  brother died suddenly at the age of 22. The first year of my married life I was in  denial of my brothers death. My husband wanted me to see a therapist. I didn't agree, a therapist couldn't bring  him back to life then nothing could be done.  My husband convinced  to go to see a grief therapist. I was right she couldn't make him alive again but she led me though the stages of grief.  I got on with my life . So, just like I didn't see that their could be help. I think many people are in a place where they could use help and don't know it. That is why I am writing to you.

I'm working in shidduchim for 14 years. I see the same shidduchim blockages over and over again.  I listed many and asked our mutual friend, if any could be a possibility and it seemed like divorce could be something.

She told me a close relatives of yours are divorced.

These situations keeps the single "floating". They date, they get close to getting engaged, then call it off. Uncertainty keeps the person from moving forward.  This can "ground" the floater.

When a person has close friend or family member that has had a divorce there are a few things that need to be taken care of to move forward. These are suggested exercises. 

1) A detailed list of what you would like take from this marriage and bring to your marriage.

This was my list when I did this exercise:
a. I liked that the table was always set early for company.
b. I liked how they lent out everything they owned to their friends and neighbors.
c. I liked how they entertained.
d. I liked how they took care of their aging parents.
e. I liked how they valued extended family.
f.  I liked how they gave charity, never letting anyone know.
etc.

2) A detailed list of what you don't want to take into your marriage.

This was my list when I did this exercise.
a. Unfair fighting i.e.  the fight was over the credit card bill but turned into a personal assault.
b. Each one claimed he/she was the reason the business was successful.
c. Airing these claims in front of friends.
d. Combination of personalities. 

3) A person would then make a plan to address how they will avoid this "don't want" list.

My list
a. Fighting would be fair, not hitting"below the belt".
b. I will choose a spouse that doesn't have their personality type. I modeled my spouse choice of my aunt and uncle. I had chosen  a model couple and could see of the person I was dating was similar to my model.
c. I promised myself I would seek help if my marriage would hit a rough spot.
d. I promised myself I would continue going to shalom bayis classes that were offered.

I have shared these steps with singles .  Without a conscious plan of how to navigate this a person can remain blocked without a pathway. Some people can walk through this themselves others seek help to make this plan.

In our  coaching practice of older never married singles this was one of the issues that stood in their way.