Power of Words in Shidduchim

By Rivkah Leah Bernath

Chicago,IL

Many years ago ,in my old neighborhood, a woman in her mid 40's would constantly bring up this topic. Her topic was , how much insurance she had on her husbands life.

She would count on fingers when speaking about this, " I have a 30,000 on one policy, 10,000 on a second policy, there is a benefit from his work providing me with $ per etc ,month if he died.  I knew them, they had a good marriage. I'm not implying she wanted him dead. But he did die suddenly that year. 

At another time, we had some friends that were putting on a room addition. They rented an apt during the construction. Every so often we would meet them at the house to see the progress. Sometime during the tour, the husband would say" after this is addition is done, I'm going to lose my job" and "I'm going to lose this house".

We begged to stop verbalizing this. He didn't stop. 

He had a job earning in the 6 figures, he had been with that job over 10 years. He was fired, the house went into foreclosure. They lost the house.

So, I started collecting data. Listening to what people say and watching what happens in their life. I'm not claiming to have done a full  scientific experiment.

A clear pattern emerged. 

Whatever people said over and over again happened. Whether it was negative or positive happened.

If someone saying "I'm  getting married soon" they are right. That will come true.

There is an old custom, where parents in the privacy of their home would call their daughter "Kallah Maidel" and their son "Chossen Bochur". They are calling their daughter "Kallah" and their son "Chossen".

A of group women agreed to bring back this custom. They did this and other things also. I was in this group of women. I did this with my daughters also. This isn't scientifically proven but interesting.  Yes, we married off our daughters.

From that point on , we kept our words positive. There is someone for everyone. There is a lid for every pot. Shidduchim is working. There are plenty of good boys and girls. There is someone out there who will appreciate me. There is someone for me. I am finding her. He is finding me. There are possibilities at every turn.The shidduch can come from anyone. The phone is ringing, it might be a suggestion. The suggestion I've been waiting for.

( in your head , you are thinking about the one piece of your yourself or life that isn't so desirable in shidduchim.( i.e.,my age, my height, my weight, my job, my parents divorce, my divorce, I'm a BT, I'm a ger, I'm not a learner, I'm not pretty, I came from a dysfunctional home, I have a medical condition, I have an emotional condition,I have psychiatric diagnosis, I'm socially off, I'm an introvert, I have a physical disability ,I don't make enough money, I live far away.etc)

There are plenty of people with one or many of the above mentioned items that have successfully married. When you get a "no" from someone you tried to get a date with, you immediately go back to your "piece". This is not necessarily true.

By reinforcing this in your head doesn't help/In most cases you'll never know why.

You think it was your looks.......maybe yiddishkeit level.

You thought it was your location........maybe something else.

There is someone for everyone.Keep your words positive , matter what.