Shidduch Dating , the real story
These lists don't exist on paper anywhere but these unwritten list effect shidduch dating.
The men , matter how brilliant (Brain Surgeon, Rocket Science Engineer) have a simple list.
Attractive to him
Intelligent level good for him
Frumkite level good for him
80% of men know on the 1st date interested not interested.
The women, matter how brilliant or not brilliant have a complicated list.
Will he protect me physically ?(bring water on a 90 degree day)(provide warm transportation on cold days) ( get food for us if he told me we were going for a meal on the date)
(If I don't like bugs, spiders, dogs, mice or wild animals, will he laugh at me or take care of the situation?
Will he respect my emotions? Or put them down?(If I tell him about something that hurt me, will he tell me to stop being emotional or will he respect my emotions?)
Will my opinions count? (Will he make all the decisions? or will it be done jointly?)
Will he grow? Will he be open to getting help with our marriage if we ever need it? Does he respect my intellect? Does he respect his mother? Grandmother?
Is he good with finances? Does he have a plan? Does he have a work ethic?
Does he have medical issues?a roaming eye? Anger issues? Drug issues? Alcohol issues? Gambling issues? Mental issues? How was his childhood? Was he hurt physically or emotionally by anyone? Is he clean? etc.
What will happen when he finds my imperfections? I don't cook, I can't clean etc.
So, 80% of the single women on a date have a million questions going on in their head. sometimes they are barely present. 80% of women don't get enough of their unwritten questions answered on the 1st date. So, their heart stayed locked up. They feel nothing. Sometimes the guy is a jerk or doesn't have social skills.
So here we are after the first date. If the man isn't attracted, the shidduch is finished.
If he is interested..........he detects she is not , he may end the shidduch.(Men avoid rejection in greater numbers than women)
If he is interested and willing to continue, she may end the shidduch because she doesn't feel anything.( She doesn't feel anything either because this isn't a shidduch or because not enough of her questions were answered. She needs time)
Many men who are interested give over a monologue of their entire life, possibly starting with their birth or starting at kindergarten. The Women don't know what this is and they are bored. Shidduch ends because of boredom and her feeling ,he didn't ask about her life.
This isn't a communication problem ,it is an interpretation problem.
Possible solution:
We educate the men that women need time . If he is interested he needs to stay in the shidduch longer.
We educate the women that they need more time and have more questions. The women need to give more feedback to men to keep them in the shidduch so, they can figure out if this shidduch is viable.
Feedback needs to be honest. ( what does she know so far? Did she enjoy his company? Did she find him nice? intelligent? Funny? Creative? etc.
If he detects she is not on the same page as him, he can hang in there if he is getting some information after each date. Positive feedback doesn't mean a marriage contract.(Women often feel if they give positives to the man, she will be leading him on. She doesn't want to lead him on.
So, we say this is what she likes so far but she still has a lot of questions.)
20% of shidduchs have role reversal. A percentage of shidduchs never get enough time to see if it is viable. Questions? Comments? Additions?
chicagoshidduch@gmail.com
The men , matter how brilliant (Brain Surgeon, Rocket Science Engineer) have a simple list.
Attractive to him
Intelligent level good for him
Frumkite level good for him
80% of men know on the 1st date interested not interested.
The women, matter how brilliant or not brilliant have a complicated list.
Will he protect me physically ?(bring water on a 90 degree day)(provide warm transportation on cold days) ( get food for us if he told me we were going for a meal on the date)
(If I don't like bugs, spiders, dogs, mice or wild animals, will he laugh at me or take care of the situation?
Will he respect my emotions? Or put them down?(If I tell him about something that hurt me, will he tell me to stop being emotional or will he respect my emotions?)
Will my opinions count? (Will he make all the decisions? or will it be done jointly?)
Will he grow? Will he be open to getting help with our marriage if we ever need it? Does he respect my intellect? Does he respect his mother? Grandmother?
Is he good with finances? Does he have a plan? Does he have a work ethic?
Does he have medical issues?a roaming eye? Anger issues? Drug issues? Alcohol issues? Gambling issues? Mental issues? How was his childhood? Was he hurt physically or emotionally by anyone? Is he clean? etc.
What will happen when he finds my imperfections? I don't cook, I can't clean etc.
So, 80% of the single women on a date have a million questions going on in their head. sometimes they are barely present. 80% of women don't get enough of their unwritten questions answered on the 1st date. So, their heart stayed locked up. They feel nothing. Sometimes the guy is a jerk or doesn't have social skills.
So here we are after the first date. If the man isn't attracted, the shidduch is finished.
If he is interested..........he detects she is not , he may end the shidduch.(Men avoid rejection in greater numbers than women)
If he is interested and willing to continue, she may end the shidduch because she doesn't feel anything.( She doesn't feel anything either because this isn't a shidduch or because not enough of her questions were answered. She needs time)
Many men who are interested give over a monologue of their entire life, possibly starting with their birth or starting at kindergarten. The Women don't know what this is and they are bored. Shidduch ends because of boredom and her feeling ,he didn't ask about her life.
This isn't a communication problem ,it is an interpretation problem.
Possible solution:
We educate the men that women need time . If he is interested he needs to stay in the shidduch longer.
We educate the women that they need more time and have more questions. The women need to give more feedback to men to keep them in the shidduch so, they can figure out if this shidduch is viable.
Feedback needs to be honest. ( what does she know so far? Did she enjoy his company? Did she find him nice? intelligent? Funny? Creative? etc.
If he detects she is not on the same page as him, he can hang in there if he is getting some information after each date. Positive feedback doesn't mean a marriage contract.(Women often feel if they give positives to the man, she will be leading him on. She doesn't want to lead him on.
So, we say this is what she likes so far but she still has a lot of questions.)
20% of shidduchs have role reversal. A percentage of shidduchs never get enough time to see if it is viable. Questions? Comments? Additions?
chicagoshidduch@gmail.com
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