The Shidduch Crisis: with a Twist
If you open up any jewish newspaper or magazine over the past few years, you've likely read about the "shidduch crisis" and how extremely painful it is for singles and for their families.
So-called "experts" have cited data showing that there will be a large number of girls every year who cannot find their husbands as there aren't enough eligible young men on the market.
These experts, however, left out a few demographics. For example, the wonderful organizations that do "outreach" and other community work often deal with conversion and spiritual growth of jews, allowing them to return to their roots. For the last 20 years, the numbers of returnees are staggering. Thus, the baal t'shuva world consists of more men than women. Additionally. many boys are marring older girls, as at least 15% of couples consist of a wife who is older than her husband.
From the beginning of time, Hashem created exactly the right number of boys and girls. Perhaps the reason why some people are still trying to find their bashert is because they are looking in narrow demographics. We therefore need to widen our focus and think outside the boxes we've created for ourselves.
The fact that there is so much more information available today than ever before is another contributing factor, and I often hear of people saying no" to a shidduch based on a single piece of in formation that they came across without realizing they needed more information(i.e. deciding that a certain medical condition of a sibling is genetic instead of consulting a professional).
References are yet another reason why so many shidduchim never get off the ground. I know of instances where references gave information about a person they hadn't been in contact with for years, gave information about a different sibling in a family, talked about things that they thought happened but actually never did, or gave information that was years out of date (i.e. that person became less frum, more frum), Often times people frame information based on their own point of reference, so a reference who is short may describe someone taller than himself as "tall" when in fact the person is of average height.
Well meaning parents can also effect shidduchim when deciding on a candidate that is far more to the right of their child, hoping their child will marry someone who will push him/her more to the right.
We are in an instant age, instant communication, instant food etc. We also want instant shidduch.
People date and if there isn't instant "something" they call off the shidduch.
Men and Women approach dating differently. A man will know "interested" or "not interested" fairly quickly. Women may need many dates before they determine their interest level. Many shidduchs never get the time it needs.
Matter how brilliant the man is, he is fairly straight forward about his interests. If He is attracted, likes her personality and content with where she is heading , he is interested. She on the other hand may have those 3 points but has dozens of other questions. Often the man will bow out of the shidduch because he senses she is not on the same page as her. She never gets the opportunity to find out her interest level. Since these questions are not on a list. She may bow out of a shidduch because "she doesn't feel anything". 80% of females will keep their heart locked until her questions are answered. (i.e. will he respect my intelligence?, respect my emotions?, will I have cooperation?, does he have a temper?, is he generous?, can I rely on him?,etc) 20% of the women don't have these questions.
Finally, as divorce in the jewish community continues to exist, many singles have fallen into the pattern of over analyzing every shidduch in order to safeguard themselves from the possibility of divorce. Yes, it is important to be careful and to make the proper inquiries but at some point it becomes excessive and harmful. I find it more helpful to study shalom bayis.
So-called "experts" have cited data showing that there will be a large number of girls every year who cannot find their husbands as there aren't enough eligible young men on the market.
These experts, however, left out a few demographics. For example, the wonderful organizations that do "outreach" and other community work often deal with conversion and spiritual growth of jews, allowing them to return to their roots. For the last 20 years, the numbers of returnees are staggering. Thus, the baal t'shuva world consists of more men than women. Additionally. many boys are marring older girls, as at least 15% of couples consist of a wife who is older than her husband.
From the beginning of time, Hashem created exactly the right number of boys and girls. Perhaps the reason why some people are still trying to find their bashert is because they are looking in narrow demographics. We therefore need to widen our focus and think outside the boxes we've created for ourselves.
The fact that there is so much more information available today than ever before is another contributing factor, and I often hear of people saying no" to a shidduch based on a single piece of in formation that they came across without realizing they needed more information(i.e. deciding that a certain medical condition of a sibling is genetic instead of consulting a professional).
References are yet another reason why so many shidduchim never get off the ground. I know of instances where references gave information about a person they hadn't been in contact with for years, gave information about a different sibling in a family, talked about things that they thought happened but actually never did, or gave information that was years out of date (i.e. that person became less frum, more frum), Often times people frame information based on their own point of reference, so a reference who is short may describe someone taller than himself as "tall" when in fact the person is of average height.
Well meaning parents can also effect shidduchim when deciding on a candidate that is far more to the right of their child, hoping their child will marry someone who will push him/her more to the right.
We are in an instant age, instant communication, instant food etc. We also want instant shidduch.
People date and if there isn't instant "something" they call off the shidduch.
Men and Women approach dating differently. A man will know "interested" or "not interested" fairly quickly. Women may need many dates before they determine their interest level. Many shidduchs never get the time it needs.
Matter how brilliant the man is, he is fairly straight forward about his interests. If He is attracted, likes her personality and content with where she is heading , he is interested. She on the other hand may have those 3 points but has dozens of other questions. Often the man will bow out of the shidduch because he senses she is not on the same page as her. She never gets the opportunity to find out her interest level. Since these questions are not on a list. She may bow out of a shidduch because "she doesn't feel anything". 80% of females will keep their heart locked until her questions are answered. (i.e. will he respect my intelligence?, respect my emotions?, will I have cooperation?, does he have a temper?, is he generous?, can I rely on him?,etc) 20% of the women don't have these questions.
Finally, as divorce in the jewish community continues to exist, many singles have fallen into the pattern of over analyzing every shidduch in order to safeguard themselves from the possibility of divorce. Yes, it is important to be careful and to make the proper inquiries but at some point it becomes excessive and harmful. I find it more helpful to study shalom bayis.
Comments
Post a Comment